Deacons’ wives tell us what it’s like to be married to clergy
Not all permanent deacons are married, but when they are, their wives are often deeply impacted by their husband’s vocation. In May, CARA released “A Portrait of the Permanent Diaconate in 2024” and its pages gave an insight into the involvement of deacons’ wives.
The report mostly focused on deacons themselves, but a few statistics highlighted formation opportunities for their wives -- a group that perhaps doesn’t often get much press.
We talked to several women about their experience of saying “yes” to their husband’s vocation and how it has changed their marriage and their spiritual journeys.
Shared vocation
A married man who answers the call to become a permanent deacon now has a dual vocation - to serve his family and to serve the Church. His wife, of course, is not ordained, but is sacramentally connected to her husband.
When asked if her husband’s vocation was somehow hers as well, Joni Seith gave an enthusiastic, “Yes, absolutely!”
“As a married couple is 'one,'" she explained, “so too is their service to the Body of Christ.”
Lynn Welte agreed, saying that while she isn’t ordained, she shares her husband’s call in many ways.
She recalled, "I remember at my husband's ordination one of the older wives either gave me a few dixie cups or told me to bring them to the ordination for my kids. She said it was a great visual for them to 'catch the graces' that would be overflowing from my husband to the family. It was a sweet reminder to me.”
But with the graces also comes the cross.
One daughter of a deacon shared that her mother has to sign a document each year expressing that she continues to support her husband in his diaconate ministry.
She admitted, however, that her mother does so reluctantly, because, “She loves that he dedicated his life to the Church and helping people but she hates that he is gone so much from the house -- she is disabled and cannot leave the house without his help -- helping people.”
One thing is clear: A wife is deeply tied to her husband’s diaconate, in the good and the difficult.
Receiving formation
Seventy-six percent of dioceses offer formation opportunities to the wives of men in formation for the permanent diaconate, according to the recent CARA report.
Many say that studying alongside their husbands has made a difference.
Lynn recounts that her husband originally considered the diaconate in a different diocese. For multiple reasons, he didn’t pursue the diaconate at that time, but she noted as well that “wives didn’t attend any of the formation weekends with their husbands [there]” and between that and the commuting distance to the diaconate formation, “I couldn’t imagine him being gone more than he already was.”
In contrast, when her husband Deacon Chuck entered formation in the Diocese of Duluth, she was invited along for the journey.
It was a beautiful diaconate program and experience. I loved attending with Chuck and learning everything he was, and sharing the journey with him. I also loved that I didn't have any pressure of writing papers or doing the homework! I just got to come along and soak it all in. I loved the classes and learning more about our beautiful Catholic faith … They also always reminded us that Chuck's marriage vocation came first. The man must have the consent of his wife before he is allowed to be ordained.
Joni says that in the Archdiocese of Washington, D.C., “Our diocese has appreciated the wives with open arms and hearts,” inviting her for formation both during his training and after his ordination. Last year, she shares, she was invited to be first woman keynote at the Archdiocese of Washington D.C.’s Deacon Conference.
Sharing in ministry and sacrifice
Lynn says that as a deacon’s wife, she’s often “in the middle of things.” Perhaps parishioners will ask her questions because she is accessible, and her husband sometimes asks her to review his homilies. The kids get involved as well – her teenage daughters serve alongside her as sacristans when her husband assists at daily Mass.
She gets real when she says that “there are also times when it can be a great sacrifice, such as with all the time and energy my husband puts in training altar servers and preparing for Easter and Christmas liturgies.” Balancing that with adult children home for the holidays is something they have to be very intentional about.
“We want our family to have a positive view of the diaconate,” Lynn explains, “however, I will admit there are times when my kids have said, 'Why did dad have to be a deacon?' Mostly though it has been a wonderful grace-filled experience.”
Joni speaks to the sacrificial aspect as well: “I also feel that I have grown in virtue during my husband’s time as a deacon. Having to share him with a parish has taught me to value the importance of the work he does serving others and bringing the love of God to others. It is a sacrifice for the sake of the kingdom and my husband’s witness helps me accept the sacrifice of sharing my husband with others.”
Growing in faith
A deacon says yes to his vocation and the parishioners benefit spiritually from his ministry, but what about the spiritual life of the deacon's wife?
The CARA report reveals that 79% of dioceses offer couple retreats for deacons and their wives.
The deacon's daughter with the disabled mom said that her dad’s active ministry actually can make it harder for her mom to get to Mass. For example, when Deacon Dad has to serve at three Masses on a Sunday, Mom isn't able to sit through that many liturgies and chooses to stay home.
Others have different experiences. Lynn says when it comes to growing spiritually, “that is endless.” Because her husband is required to pray Morning and Evening prayer, she joins him in the morning and her family either joins him at night or prays a Rosary together. Throughout their experience she has learned “that God’s ways are superior to mine.”
There have been several times I have found myself on my knees in the adoration chapel because of things happening in the parish, whether it be a parishioner's suffering or needs or just heavy decisions that I don't understand or agree with being made in the parish and/or diocese. I have learned greater trust, humility, and obedience.
Joni puts it this way, “Because we know the responsibility of leading others to Christ in our actions and words, we know that we have to be rooted in the faith and remain close to God.”
She also joins in the Liturgy of the Hours with her husband and shares that they started a Zoom group to pray Morning Prayer because of COVID restrictions in 2020 and it's still going. His ministry is deeply woven into their prayer life at home:
Praying the Rosary and Divine Mercy Chaplet has always been part of our daily lives, but for the past 12 years of his diaconate we include our parish in our intentions because we love the members of the parish and know how they count on our prayers.
Worth it?
As of 2024, according to the CARA report there were 13,864 permanent deacons in active ministry in the United States. Ninety three percent are married. The survey does not capture the lived experience of deacon wives and certainly each has their own story to tell.
For Lynn, though, she recalls that when her husband was discerning the diaconate, she met with a priest and he said, 'If God was calling my husband to be a deacon, he needed to obey and so did I, because my husband's first responsibility was to God.' I am glad I listened. I am very grateful my husband is a deacon.”
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