It's Father's Day again and I. like many of you, will enjoy all the wonderful memories and pictures on social media as we honor dad's on this special day. I am thrilled that so many father's stood up and not only brought children, life, into this world but that so many became their children's hero, their role mode, and in some cases the most important person in their lives. I am especially happy when I can witness the father who stands in the gap for and with their children and is the spiritual icon for the family, for the children.
Yet I understand that for many Father's Day might be a bit of a let down, for many dad was, well, not much of a dad. I understand this profoundly because I have no wonderful memories or pictures to share, my dad just wasn't much of a dad. I feel sorry for him for that because I know me and my sisters would have loved to be loved by him. Now I am not saying dad did not love us, or we did not love him; that is not the case at all. What we had was something less than wonderful experiences and memories and a dad who was absent to much and then gone too early.
Now a Deacon for over 10 years, I see the impacts on children and families, especially little boys, when dad is out the picture, for whatever reason. As a pastoral care chaplain for grown men at a state run prison I also the see the impacts of many a father grappling with guilt and regret that their children are, in most cases not all, far removed from their lives. But I can tell you a side story that I am glad to tell. When we have our Saturday retreat days at the prison it is also family visitation day. In every case there is always at least a family or two present where a young son is reunited with his dad; sometimes on the basketball court, sometimes tossing a football, sometimes helping dad at the BBQ pit and most beautifully, in the arms of his dad in a scene that screams I love you dad, I love you son. Life without dad can be confusing and conflicting for the children, you're never sure where dad is or why dad is not present, as you get older thoughts creep in wondering if dad really loves you, thoughts too if I will ever have a "normal" father/son, father/daughter relationship. Will dad be around to see my first pitch, to witness graduation, to walk me down the aisle or stand by my side in those seminal moments of life? Will dad ever get to meet my children?
My dad did not; he has never met any of his grandchildren, was not present at any major life event as we three grew older. Now dad was gone when I was but fifteen years old, my youngest sibling just made ten. And worse, none of us had seen him in 18 months at the time of his death.
Many, many children experience what I and my sister's experienced. For me, I was among the lucky ones who was denied a great relationship with a dad. My family made life as a young boy pretty good, even though I often felt outnumbered with so many women/girls around me all the time. No matter who it was, my grandma, our aunt and uncle, we always went to church, we attended what was then called CCD, we received our sacraments, we were taught to belong and love God through our love for the Church. I even had a Priest mentor when I was older who was nothing but proper and respectful and the best baseball fan ever named Father Hannigan. I had great uncles to; Joseph, who we all called "Tiny", Durel, he kind of took care of all his nieces and nephews, Jimmy, who taught me to love the Saints and brought me to so many games, including the famous Tom Dempsey kick. All of these men helped fill the void, as did my father-in-law, who became an important part of my life by the time I was like sixteen. Incredibly it would be his daughter, my wife Wendy, who in so many ways helped me to become the man I needed to be and then the father I had always wanted for myself.
My children made me a father, James and Elizabeth, and despite my life as a son, I wanted to be a great dad. Sometimes I think I was, sometimes I know I was not. If I look back there are plenty things I would love to go back and ask for a do over, but I will always remember that which I never had: tossing a football with my son, taking my daughter to dance lessons, going to all of Jimmy's horse shows that I could and Elizabeth's dance recitals and dance team performances at high school games; all kinds of weather and all. Being present at their graduations, college successes, their wedding days and the birth of the grandkids: Calvin, Katelyn and Brennan. All pure joy! I wish my dad would have had such joy.
One thing I should have done better is the spiritual dimension with my kids that I got because an extended family made sure I got it. Now both my kids got to go to church, my son attended Catholic school from K-12th grade. My daughter went to CCD and she made a lot more masses with us than my son did, because quite frankly, we were going more as she was growing up. I missed the lesson many years ago about really being the spiritual head of the family. I so admire those dads from years past and today who embrace that roll. I love seeing fathers present in the pews with their little girls and little boys, carrying them sometimes up to Holy Communion, teaching them their prayers. If I would drive home anything today for dads it would be to please embrace the role of spiritual leader for the family, teach the children to love Jesus because you love Jesus and love their mom's; however that has to happen, love their mom's.
You might be surprised at this but as tomorrow is Father's Day I am so looking forward to it. I've been able to make my own mark as a dad and a "pops" too, and I really believe it's a day to be celebrated. The greatest Father in my life, and I hope yours too, is God the Father and with Him there is no need of anything else. But he gave us dads and grand-dads and uncles and role models and Priests and I am thankful. And He gave me my dad, who I do indeed love and miss and pray for sometimes and wish would have been more present in my life. It's all good of course because God makes everything right and all things made new in our walk with Jesus.
So Happy Father's Day to all and if possible please say a couple of extra prayers: for Fathers, to be the spiritual head of the home that God created you to be, for children without dads or those who grew up without dads, that God's love is sufficient and for all those who seek to be the dad-models in our lives.
Happy Father's Day.
